


The Sweetest Regret

by sryr



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Another Bad End AU, Bondage, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:35:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22871857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sryr/pseuds/sryr
Summary: Jude knows what the right choice is, but when it comes down to it this time, he finds himself unable to let Victor die.
Relationships: Implied Ludger Will Kresnik/Jude Mathis, Victor Will Kresnik/Jude Mathis
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey! this is an AU idea from Years back and it's still not entirely fleshed out, but i'm not sure if i'll ever truly return to it so i'm dumping the parts i have written of it for now. if i choose to want to return to it i'll update it, but otherwise disjointedly enjoy this pain fueled scrap of an idea. also be gentle the writing is from about 6 years ago and i only gave it a light editing.
> 
> also technically i was going to include elle in the characters section but upon rereading what i had she doesn't actually speak so

He moved without thinking. It wasn’t the first time he’d done something like that, but it was the first where it had ended up as bad as this. The palm strike he delivered to Ludger’s back was enough to distract him to let Victor skewer his spear through the other’s chest, and there’s a part of him thankful he didn’t have to watch his face as it happened. He can hear the surprise come from behind him as Milla and Rowen were still there and they couldn’t have been sure what actually happened given their position, but all of them see what happened to Ludger and only he, Ludger and Victor know the truth.

Jude can’t explain why he did it. The rest of the fight is a haze as none of them particularly know why they’re fighting still. Personally, it wouldn’t even be accurate to refer to his movements as fighting, he’s more dodging than anything because he can’t explain himself and is shutting down as a result.

It was a simple conversation while he helped with dinner. He seemed so nice and caring. The teen always seemed to find himself between choices of who to save and who to let die and he hated it; hated seeing the pain and heartbreak and destruction. So why did he somehow end up being the one to cause it?

_‘I had no choice.’_

_‘There were no other options. I’m sorry it had to be like this.’_

_‘I didn’t mean for this to happen.’_

_‘I didn’t want this to happen.’_

The shame of facing what he’d done was too much mentally so he no longer thought. His legs moved and sometimes his arms connected, but just barely. His actions only brushed their opponent, but Jude wasn’t sure who that was supposed to be at this point. Rowen was quickly targeted as between him and Milla alone, they couldn’t possible distract Victor especially when it was more her than him. The numbness spread as he watched the man he wanted to call a mentor of sorts have a sword run through him. His name spilled from Jude’s lips, but he wasn’t conscious of it.

Milla, even if she didn’t know the truth, would have been ashamed at his weakness. He didn’t want to lose her, anyone but her, but flickers of the conversation kept returning to him over and over.

_‘We can all be reborn one day.’_

_‘Maybe even to a world where Maxwell, doesn’t have to be Maxwell.’_

_‘Wouldn’t that be nice?’_

_‘I’d rather keep you by myself though if I can.’_

_‘Ludger wouldn’t have ever said anything, but you know the truth don’t you?’_

_‘You feel it too, don’t you, Jude Mathis?’_

His eyes widen as the shots fire, and he knows if it weren’t for the lack of energy that he should have been watching, the Four would have stopped them and Milla wouldn’t be crumpled on the ground looking up at him. He’s watched her die before. He’s watched her flicker from his life once already, and it breaks a part of him to watch it again. To know it was all his fault.

Healing the wounds won’t do anything, but he tries to anyway. If he hadn’t already seen Milla die once before, he would have thought such a thing was impossible and the sight before him was a mistake.

Her eyes are closing and he can’t comprehend her words at all. There’s no reason to move because Victor wouldn’t hurt him. He already said as much and they both know his attempts to heal her are futile; he’s just doing it because it’s something he feels like he has to try and do.

It’s not even for appearances sake, he just feels broken. This was the choice he made and he regrets it, but it was still what he decided. He doesn’t know what happened to Elle’s mother, or what could have happened between him and Ludger ten years down from his own timeline. They’re all different people, but there is this Elle and this version of Ludger that isn’t Ludger, and somehow he’s found himself here.

A hand touches his shoulder and he flinches, but it brings him back in the moment just slightly. His hands are covered in blood and he’s shaking as Milla’s body is fading away since it was never meant to exist to begin with either. Ludger and Rowen are on the ground in similar states, but he can’t bring himself to look at them.

Victor moves to embrace him and he might be crying, but everything feels wrong and distorted. This was a fractured dimension; this isn’t how it was supposed to end. They were supposed to come, defeat whatever the catalyst was and leave. Victor keeps murmuring assurances and praise, but he doesn’t hear any of it. The only thing he has replaying is Milla’s final words and the only thing that breaks it is the resounding creak of the villa’s door opening.

Elle is still here and there are bodies on the ground that he can’t explain. It’s only as she and Rollo come closer that Victor steps away and in an awful way he’s grateful for it right now. He watches Victor pick her up and bring her back inside, but it’s through a screen. He’s versed enough to know he’s in shock and he’s thankful that the other can tell well enough that he needs time to adjust before he comes in.

The bodies need to be cleaned up, but all he can do is stare at the blood on his hands or stare distantly at the slowly setting sun. The sight was beautiful against the water and it was startling to see it still. The him of this world did this, but he was dead.

A voice murmured that he should be too and he couldn’t help the small agreement. The more he thought about it, how could he survive in this world? Jude Mathis was dead. Did that mean he’d have to become someone else like Victor had? The water kept drawing him in, but he couldn’t do that. He wasn’t sure how much time Victor had been away for, but the man was crouched in front of him now speaking. The words never processed and all Jude could think to ask was what he should do now.

“I’ll take care of it all so don’t worry,” his fingers combed through Jude’s hair and involuntarily, he felt himself calming. As easily as he had scooped up Elle, he shifted to carry Jude into the house. The position let him face the water and not towards where what remained of his friends lay and it wasn’t long before he eyes slipped shut.

“Rest for now, we’re safe out here and we can work it out in the morning. Elle’s already in bed and I can bring you to yours. She’s a little confused too right now, but I’m happy you chose this path. I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you both happy.”

Jude isn’t sure he’ll ever be truly happy ever again, but there was little else he could other than make the best of the situation. 

-

Jude felt groggy upon waking, but less distant from everything. It didn’t come as much of a shock that he was in what he presumed was Victor’s bed based on the décor, though as much as he tried to forget and block out what happened yesterday, it simply wasn’t possible. His friends were dead and he willingly let it happen. The others would probably be waiting for them to come back, but no one would ever show up.

He glanced at himself in the mirror on the other side of the room, unwilling to move from the bed. The idea of moving past this and continuing to walk forward felt painful, but an awful part of him had decided this hadn’t he? When Victor had first spoke to him about all this, he hadn’t come up with much of an answer, but in the heat of battle his instincts spoke for him. It didn’t help that the last time he felt like this it had been Milla’s will keeping him moving forward, but every time he thought about her, he just got flashes of her dying body and his own blood covered hands.

Staring at the mirror made it apparent he’d been changed while asleep and he’d drudge up a stronger response towards the notion if he wasn’t too busy wondering how much blood must have stained his clothes. He finally settled on looking at his face, trying not to stare too long at the bags under his eyes or his notably messy hair.

If it weren’t for the reflection of the bedroom door opening in the mirror, he doubted he would have noticed Victor enter at all. He could be eerily fast and silent.

“Awake? Breakfast is ready, although Elle hasn’t really wanted to touch her food.”

The bed dipped as he sat next to him and pulled him into an embrace again, resting his chin on Jude’s shoulder. His words are gentle and it’s so contrasting compared to the image of him yesterday.

“I know this is all a little hard to come to terms with, but I meant what I said. You won’t have to worry about a thing.”

“I’ll eat in a little bit,” Jude finally answers him, but the words come out devoid of any emotion. He really didn’t mean to sound cold, but it was still hard to deal with. He let his friends die. Worse, it was pretty much his fault they were killed and here he was practically being held by the man who did it. All for what? A chance with Victor that he tried to tell himself was the wrong decision on all fronts, but…

He had wanted this, hadn’t he?

Gently, though still unintentionally empty, he let himself lean back into the hug and grasp at one of the arms around him.

Victor seemed to read him easily enough and remained quiet. Jude wanted to ask him if he regretted this. If whatever time they had left before Victor turned into a catalyst was worth it. If keeping _him_ alive was worth it.

“What would make you happy?” He asks, though Jude didn’t know the answer. Considering all he gave up, why he gave it up, this should be the thing that makes him happy. It felt wrong though. There was a twist inside at feeling so relaxed in Victor’s embrace and there’s another side to it he can’t help wondering.

“Did you ask your Jude to do this?” The words left his mouth before he entirely thought it through and the resulting tension from Victor made him think he shouldn’t have asked.

“It… wouldn’t have worked,” he answers cryptic, but after a moment of fiddling with the doctor’s hair, he brings himself to explain.

“My feelings were unrequited. I had always known that, but after how things went making an offer like this one would never have worked.”

“So did you… know about how I felt for Ludger? Why me?” A flurry of questions roll out and it takes everything Jude has not to ask if he was a replacement.

“No, but I hoped. I could see it though when you all first came here and you may not understand now, but he was never going to make it. I couldn’t bear to deal with it and I couldn’t bear to lose Elle either. I didn’t want to lose either of you again and he… would never get to keep both of you either,” Victor’s fingers tighten as he talks, and the subtle possessiveness strikes Jude as something that sparks sympathy in him rather than fear.

“Could you… really tell all that?” Jude used to think it was impossible to tell those sorts of things, but he’s been in situations in the future himself. Sure, they were different futures that ultimately were labeled wrong, but as he’s come to learn; there was no guarantee their universe was the right one either.

“I’ve lived a version of it and visited countless others,” he finishes with a bitter laugh, “How else do you think my catalyst has spread this far? The fact it’s spreading on Elle now is only a testament to it, but that shouldn’t be a problem anymore now that I have both of you back."


	2. Chapter 2

There’s always a lingering whisper, a tiny manifestation of his regret reminding him he shouldn’t be here or in this position. Jude wonders if he was always a masochist or if he’d simply grown to like it rough, like this is a convoluted form of punishment.

The catalyst that slowly spread on his lower back was hidden in the night and that too was just another side effect and judgement he was receiving from doing what he shouldn’t have. The pain became just another way to ease his own guilt, even if in the heat of the moment, both it and what Victor did to him only gave him pleasure. Distraction or means of penance, either way it helped him forget.

The man was gentle, but in a way overtly possessive. It had long grown past the point where Jude tried to look for and categorize all the differences between him and the Ludger he knew. Many of these so called differences he couldn’t even properly attribute to anything; he’d met Ludger so recently and had never been this far with him intimately to know how or what he’d be like. Not to mention Victor had been through completely different circumstances.

None of it particularly mattered when he was too distracted by the sensation of being filled, the taste of cloth in his mouth and the slight soreness in his wrists. His thighs burned from being pushed apart and back for so long, but everything was carrying a dull ache at this point.

Even with the makeshift gag, his moans were audible as were Victor’s strained—though quiet—grunts. 

_“Careful now, I wouldn’t want to wake my daughter.”_

The memory flashes briefly, but Victor’s thrusts angle shifts just slightly and it vanishes. He hasn’t been that Jude in a long time. There’s no place for feelings like that anymore because this was simply who he was now; and he should be _happy_.

He keens and more drool stains the cloth.

“Do you like that?” Victor asks keeping his voice hushed, but it’s clear he’s excited and edging Jude on. All he can respond with is a long, muffled moan as the sensations pile up and overload him. He didn’t want to think about back then, it’s only been a few months, but he wanted to feel comfortable with how things were now. He wanted to not think and simply listen to the man above him—soak in everything about him that currently surrounded him both inside and out.

“I want to make every inch of you mine.”


	3. Chapter 3

Jude wants to be disappointed that the moment is ruined, but he knows in a way it’s his own fault. With Elle around, they tried to stay quiet and keep moments like this in the dark so it was never a problem before. The growing rot on his back was hidden in the night and covered up during the day. It’d spread eventually and be seen, but he had hoped it would only be then that Victor found out.

At first, Jude’s afraid he finds it disgusting. Given how he used to cover his own catalyst spreading, even if it was just to hide it from others, the fear it was out of appearances wasn’t lost on Jude. It’d taken him weeks alone to reassure him about taking off his mask in private.

If it weren’t for his hands trembling, Jude is sure he’d stay scared, but instead it shifts and he’s simply unaware of how to comfort the man beside him.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Victor murmured, but the way his voice shakes makes Jude wonder if he’s upset or angry.

“No, you don’t use the chromatus unless you need to so…”

“I would have tried to avoid using it at all if I—” His voice rose in anger and though it was directed at himself Jude couldn’t help flinching. It made him cut off his words always too aware of the other’s body language and not wanting to scare him despite being infuriated at himself for not even noticing.

They had talked about that when Victor explained everything and for his own sake, he had tried to hold back anyway. There was a destructive impulse in him though, and if it weren’t for Jude and Elle, he is sure this version of Ludger would have already destroyed himself.

“When?” Victor chokes out and he feels his fingers brush where it’s spreading.

“It started appearing about a month ago,” Jude muttered, but he was hesitant to explain why. In truth, he hadn’t even thought it would work. This was an area he’s only recently learned about so when he attempted to make a pact with the watch there was no guarantee he did it correctly, but based on this outcome, it seemed he did. Seemingly at a loss, it takes a few minutes before Victor can speak again.

“I’m not going to lose you,” he starts moving closer to hold him as if he’ll fade away at any second.

“You won’t,” Jude answers bringing a hand to brush at Victor’s arm currently wrapped around him. They both know it’s a lie, but it’s the only thing that seems easiest to say right now.


End file.
